Just one more obstacle

After all the saving and going over of budgets there is no way we can afford IVF at this time.  I had to just make the phone call that says I cannot afford to do it (though they are very nicely holding my spot for the next two months). Things like Roof and AC issues on the house we own has taken up any money we managed to save.
This is just one more huge let down in the list of what has been our fertility journey.  This means we miss the January window and will have to start again in June of 2013.  8 months of a letdown, everything we have gone through I was hoping that one thing would work out.  However, by the time the next cycle comes around I should be working in the forensic field.  This can be a good and a bad thing.  The bad part of this is that we will have more money coming into the house so hopefully we can afford it the treatments.  The downside is that I cannot do my some of my job while pregnant we were really praying that I would be able to have a child before we got to this stage.  If we had made the January cycle we could have done it.

I get so angry and sad when I think about everything we have been through and now we are stuck in a tricare region that will not allow me to get help outside of IVF and I cannot go to any specialists except for the hospital ran by the military.  They are not willing to work with me and give me the medication that it would take.  They are not willing to help with anything else and we need to pay seven thousand dollars in order to get a child.  If we were to adopt a baby it would cost that much if not more. Tricare southeast would allow it was great in helping me get the help I needed.  Tricare north east has been horrible with almost everything.  I can't even walk in and get a Flu and pneumonia shot.  I needed to make an appointment and prove why I needed it. 

Yes we have thought about adoption however, it is as cost prohibitive as IVF if not more.  When you have a child there is a lot less paperwork and people who are deciding if you are fit or not.  Not that I think we won’t pass the checks it is just a headache I am not currently ready for and simply we cannot afford the huge costs associated.  So many amazing children are out there for adoption and I know why they are not adopted currently.  They make it so hard to be able to get the child and once you do you won't be able to afford to keep them if you are low middle class or below.  I know a few people who have adopted and spent years in debt and this was not getting a child through a private adoption this was through the normal channels.  Which would be something we would be willing to do and yet we can't due to my husband’s job and the amount of debt we are allowed to have.  Those are the same reason we are not able to just get a loan for the IVF.

It makes me so angry that so many women can have children and some of them don't want the children.  They abuse, neglect, and discard them like they have no worth.  Where other people like myself and my husband who are ready for children, who would love them and give them everything we can.  Who are educated and stable are not able to have even one child.  I don't even want to be greedy; all I ask for is one child that looks impossible from where I am right now.  Moments like this make it really hard not to lose faith in the human race and the future of it. 

Also with the lack of fertility hormones running through me my huge imbalances from my PCOS have come back.  I am gaining weight again, I am going through every mood so quickly that it is hard for even me to keep track.  My poor husband is putting up with so much right now I don't know how he handles it.  I am just made an appointment to get hormone treatments. Since the fertility clinic is unwilling to take the time to help with even that.  I know I have said this before but I am really angry at the clinic and the doctors that work there.  Not only for being unwilling to help me but for not knowing the job as well as they should.

I am upset by this push back but really what can I do but wait and save.  How did some of those people on TV afford IVF?  I want to know what type of insurance or doctor they got since I need to use that place.