Something I've discovered in the past year that I've been divorced is that miscarriages can be a blessing in disguise. I can already imagine the one eyebrow cocked facial expression you're giving your screen right now and trust me, I don't blame you. Let me explain.
Back in December 2008, I met and moved in with a guy that I thought was going to be my "happily ever after", and it wasn't until the first part of 2012 that I realized that my marriage was falling apart. Prior to our wedding, I got pregnant three times. Two of these pregnancies ended in miscarriage, and one was an ectopic pregnancy that had to be terminated via methotrexate. At the time, I went through the common reactions to a miscarriage, primarily the "What did I do wrong?" response. I racked my brain trying to figure out what I had done to cause those pregnancies to end without a child. Did I have one too many drinks? Did the medicine I take for my migraines cause it? What about that ibuprofen I took when I had a backache? Am I too stressed? Did I not try hard enough to quit smoking?
In April or May 2011, I had another miscarriage. I didn't tell my husband I suspected I was pregnant, nor did I go see the doctor with this one, as I knew what was happening as soon as I saw my temperatures start dropping below my coverline (those of you that take your temperature to determine fertility know what I'm talking about, those that don't, please reference this). I just prepared for it silently, and did my best to hide what was going on. I mourned the fact that once again my body failed at the one thing it's designed to do. I became angry at God. Why wouldn't He grant me a child? What had I done that was so horrible that He didn't deem me worthy of a baby?
God had His hand in this, and I finally realize why. He was protecting me. I can hear you say "HUH?!?", and yes, I see your eyebrow going up again.
My marriage was horrible. As it was, my (then) husband had already signed over parental rights to one child he wasn't certain was his, and after I filed for divorce I had deputies show up twice looking for him with paperwork from the Child Support Enforcement Division. I suspect that he has other children in this world. I was not meant to be married to this man. The Bible states "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14 ESV) and while my husband claimed to be Catholic his actions were *not* that of a believer.
I've determined through a lot of prayer and research that basically I was "allowed" (yay free will!) to screw up by marrying someone that didn't follow the teachings of God. But I was NOT going to be tied to this man for the rest of my life.
My mantra has become "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) I know that God has something fantastic planned for me, and if what He has planned includes children or step children, I will rejoice. If it doesn't include children, I will also rejoice. Why? Because there are tons of children in the United States in need of homes and people in their lives that will love them as Christ loved us.