I am currently going through yet another miscarriage. This time I was about 7 weeks pregnant. While I should be happy since I was able to get pregnant without the use of fertility drugs, it still hurts that once again I have failed to bring a child to the world. One of the things that you forget about over time is the guilt. I feel guilty about this miscarriage. What if I hadn't stressed out, what I hadn't cleaned that bathroom, what if I hadn't taken that Tylenol would the fetus still be ok?
In most cases the answer is no. In my personal case, I need the support of hormones in order to carry a child to term. I was simply not able to obtain those hormones in time. That means that without them I do not have the required amounts in order to keep the pregnancy. However, this is my issue.
In most cases the answer is that there is something wrong with the child and not with the mother. While there are things that a mother can do to TRY to lower the chance of miscarriage, it is a sad fact that about 25% of all pregnancies end this way. For some reason the 6 to 8 week time frame is critical to the babies development and it something goes wrong during this time frame, the fetus cannot continue and dies. This is not the mothers fault at all. In fact for part of this developmental time the mother has little to nothing to do with the development of the baby since they are not yet feeding off of you.
One of the major things that I have read is that other people don’t “understand how you feel.” I do, I have been through multiple miscarriages for various reasons. To date, none of them have been my fault. I have learned from each of them. Here are a few items that I have learned.
The “what if” game is dangerous and can lead to depression. Questions like, “what if I knew I was pregnant sooner?” or “what if I had just calmed down?” the answer is you will never know. However, chances are the same thing would have happened.
Also it can become easy to blame yourself and/or your loved ones. If only he hadn't spend all that money, or I shouldn't have taken that sip of wine. This can cause not only depression, but often relationship troubles. You cannot love someone fully if you are blaming yourself or them for something mostly out of your control.
I am not saying that people shouldn't stop drinking, smoking, doing drugs, or engaging in overly stressful behaviors once they know they are pregnant. I am just saying that taking an extra lap around the block when you were jogging, most likely didn't harm the child.
All I can say in the end is that is it probably not your fault that something went wrong. With ¼ of all pregnancies ending in spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) it is probably nothing you or your partner did. However, you can learn from the experience and move on better armed for your next pregnancy.